Abuse and the True meaning of Self Care

It's time.. It's time we listen, it's time I listen… to my own advice, my previous post on self care, was for the most part, accurate and also total sh*t!! So let's really talk about self care, it isn't easy,  it isn't always simple but it also isn't always hard either.

Let me tell you a story, some of you will know this and some of you don't.. As a young child I was sexually abuse by an older sibling and the first time that abuse happened was at a neighbors house when I lived in St Louis MO. It happened over the 4th of July and since then I have been working on healing all of me. What I have come to realize is that as much as I LOVE celebrating the 4th. I am also always a little emotionally triggered. So today I had an experience that has really shown me how much work I have done for myself! Which I believe is REAL self care! Real self care happens in the moment we do everything we can to make our self SAFE, real self care happens when we BE who we are with the people who love us, even when it's hard and probably especially when it's hard.. It happens the moment we don't get angry, it happens the moment we say how we actually feel, vulnerable and afraid.. We say what we mean not to hurt someone else but to help them understand the absolute truth!

Tonight I went to dinner with my mother and my younger sister, my Mom somehow always brings up my eldest brother (the black sheep, the abuser, the schizophrenic crazy person, whom none of us talk too or talk about). Why she does this, I truly don't know.. Mind you I love my mother dearly, but sometimes UGH!!! Is all I can say.. Anyway, over the course of the evening we were once again  reminiscing about our childhood and who lived where when. My Mom, God love her, she brings up our eldest, and my younger sister was just NOT having any of that. And said so rather loudly, the reason I'm telling you this story is to help remind us all, and myself that love actually does always win. Mind you the conversation was a little heated and yes tears were shed, yes by me, but I also got to stand up for all of us to my mother when I calmly told her that, we, as the females, in the family do not like it when she mentions him, simply because it makes us all feel unworthy.. It was a powerful moment in my personal history, I was terrified to say it but I really think she doesn't know how it feels to have her remember him in this amazing fake light. I'm sorry he was not good and probably had all of his own worthiness issues. But, sometimes it's important to remember and honor your audience. He has never admitted any abuse physically or sexually. Which means it's really hard to forgive and forget, when that person doesn't attempt to make amends.. How my mother doesn't understand this I do not know..

My mother somehow can recall ever insignificant detail about him and his story and she can't remember anything about most of us, literally nothing.. Her comment is always I don't remember that, I'm so sorry but that is always the most painful answer to hear as a child from your parent. How can a woman whom has had ten children recall everything about the oldest "bad" child and none, ZERO, about the rest of us "good" children. Oh my gosh it is so so frustrating.. UGH!! I can't tell you how much love I have for this woman and her own suffering, she must have felt something at some time but that time was so long ago, she's had to shut down her emotions otherwise how would she ever gotten through it. It must have been so painful to watch the man she absolutely loved, my father, leave her and never look back. I am a few years older now than she was when her divorce was final. I know, now, how it feels to struggle with being alone and wondering if it all was worth it.. I can't imagine having ten children to look after, I really do struggle looking after myself. In closing, I just got off the phone with an amazing friend, who took the opportunity to remind me that I was able to honor my Mother tonight with my compassion, which is something most of us don't do. Which felt really good to hear. Thank you my dear friend, I love you and really miss you, I can't wait for our summer adventures to begin. If we all could, just for a moment, remember that all of us need love and tenderness and that, that is a practice and not something that happens quickly. That we must in the light of all that we hold dear about ourselves practice kindness and true loving tenderness.. The world would truly be a much better place.. 

Thank you darlings, have a fabulous Father's Day weekend.. With or without a father in your life. life is still pretty dang good!! And that my darlings is REAL SELF CARE….

Answering the Self Care question

This months magazine from ABMP (Associated Bodywork & Massage Professionals), is completely dedicated to investing in regular self care.. What does that mean? I can't pretend to have all the answers or even some of the answers, what I can do is tell you, what it means to me..
As a therapist, who also receives regular massages, I have had my troubles with the regularity of it.. What I love about the current state of the world is that we are much more open-hearted when it comes to self care and I am very appreciative of the fact that massage is part of that.. But massage isn't our only option, although there are many types of massage that offer different benefits, because it isn't a cure all, sometimes it simply doesn't work for everybody or every ailment.. But doing deep personal work does especially when it comes to pain.. And it is so much more effective than most of us realize or wish..   Deep personal work doesn't have to be challenging or overwhelming.. Deep personal work is about increasing our awareness.. Pretend it's a muscle, that just needs a little work and some regular practice.. One of the things I love and it happens every time I get on a plane, the flight attendants go through their usual banter, eventually they get to the before you help someone else with their oxygen mask be sure to put on your own FIRST.. Its brilliant really, and I love when the Southwest flight attendants sometimes tease wives about their husbands.. It makes me laugh every time.. But it's something we just get used to hearing, picture your self care and your deep personal work as the same thing. Yes, it's easier to take care of others as our distraction but not always the best decision for us.. And can be very detrimental to our own health.

Let's talk about some very simple things we can do regularly to help increase our awareness muscle and  take care of our physical beings at the same time like walking, any walking, how bout simply from your desk to the restroom.. Practice focusing simply on your breathe and ask yourself, "Am I breathing" or "Am I just trying to go and rush back to my desk as soon as possible?".. It's a simple but important question.. How about checking in on your posture, good posture will eliminate fatigue. What is good posture, it's shoulders over hips at all times. They move in the same plane, which means if you're leaning forward your hips must go with you, if you're sitting back in your chair your shoulders don't drop, they stay broad, no rounding shoulders or collapsing ribs..

Let's talk about some deep personal work questions; like "Am I stressed or going with the flow?" Simple, yes that's a very simple question, and tension is usually because we are worrying and worry hasn't ever made a single problem better, ever.. Would you like to know what makes all things better? Yes, you guessed it, and anyone who knows me knows my answer.. LOVE!! Love makes everything better!! How about instead of getting stuck in the usual, how about you ask yourself "what would love do?" Or ask "what would Jesus do?" The energy is all the same, we are free to call or label it anything we like. It doesn't matter, YOU MATTER!! Remember that!! You are the most important person in the universe!! Act like it, by giving yourself more room for regular self care.. Include massage, please and by all means, yes and yes. Include working out/going to the gym, I never really liked that phrase, but yes and yes.. Include some down time by breathing and checking in on yourself, reflect with someone if you can any issue that is making you worry or feel concerned.. Speech it our greatest gift, one we are freely using in good ways and bad but remember how you feel mattes!!.. Be kind to each other and remember, place your oxygen mask on first and then turn and help the person sitting next to you.. Your entire world will thank you for it..

Until next time!! LOVE and many many HUGS..

Fundraiser Attending

I don't know about all of you, but sometimes, when I finally figure "it" out and I'm so motivated to take the stand.. It can be really difficult.. It is in those moments that I can loose all courage to be myself.. I find it very difficult to deal with passion and purpose and to speak all at the same time. At least not in a way that would make sense to all listening.. It's very frustrating… Sometimes the passion is just too intense, it is in those moments I just get too shy and end up not saying anything.. I think I'm pretty hard on myself but I really want to say what I'm feeling, sometimes I just can't. Unfortunately, I don't, and that's when I really don't like being me..  Can any of you relate?

For example; there is an organization called Speak Your Silence. It is a brilliant organization and an important organization. Also an organization I've supported from the very first moment I knew they existed. Speak your Silence helps fund counseling for adult survivors of child sexual abuse.. They are all about taking the stigma off of talking about it. Brilliant, right?!! Yes!! It's something I've worked through for myself since I started practicing as a massage therapist. All healing is self healing.. I was abused from a very early age and have worked through some pretty difficult situations.. So anything that makes that process easier is worth all the money I or anyone could invest towards it, it is worth it!! Their work has an amazing impact on people.. If you have ever experienced child sexual abuse or know someone who is just now starting the process of wanting to talk about it, please, please contact them.. They are fantastic at helping to get you through the process.. 

This morning they had a fundraiser at a local business and I had great intentions of putting myself out there in a bigger way, but because I felt intimidated and the fact that it was really busy with lots of people standing around.. I did't and couldn't step forward and say very much.. So I have this idea and I'm not going to post it here, well at least not until I reach out to them and feel a bit more confident with putting it out there.. This is what I will say.. Any idea we have, it's just that, an idea; nothing more, nothing less.. An idea is just your souls way of wanting you to stretch a little more so you can be a little more you.. That's it, plan and simple, and if anyone says otherwise, well thats not your issue that's theirs.. So, don't be like me, say what's on your mind in the moment, perhaps it will take you places you've never been.. I promise to keep you all posted with what happens next.. Until then, have a beautiful week!!  

It's been exactly one month to the day since I ran a race that changed my life..

Wow, that seems so crazy to feel that way. But it is whole heartedly true..

I ran a Tough Mudder Half on March 19th 2017.. I had intended initially to run this race in Tahoe last June but as life would have it, it didn't turn out that way. I had some pretty horrific foot pain and my partner had some life issues that couldn't be avoided.. So I postponed it, until I was ready. I'm not sure we are ever really ready for big challenges, somehow I think the secret is just showing up and giving all you've got and then it's pretty much a wait and see. My race was definitely a wait and see. In fact I wasn't sure until the last possible moment that I'd do it. As it usually works out, I conquered my fear and got through it. And yes I most definitely and amazingly had a tremendous amount of help. I've never done anything like it, I wouldn't say I was super fit doing it but somehow I managed to cross the finish line and not die afterwards.. Incredibly, I'm pretty sure that had a lot to do with the location location location.. How can ya go wrong with racing in New Orleans… The people, the food, the music all of it is absolutely incredible!! I was very lucky!! 

It certainly was an amazing experience, one I'm not sure I would have done without some divine inspiration.. I had come across an Instagram post sometime late in the fall of 2015, at that time in my life I still felt so lost, like a ship without an anchor.. I'd been sick and a cure didn't seem possible and I just didn't want to do and be who I was anymore.. I just went searching. Sometimes the internet can be a blessing and a gift. I found a person whom a year earlier did this race(Tough Mudder London West), and was so happy to do it again even though the previous year they injured themselves. Somehow that didn't matter. They were really excited and so joyful at the opportunity to do it again.. I really don't know what exactly made me think in that moment that I could do that race, but I absolutely had the thought, "I can do that." And shortly after I started recruiting people to do the race with me.. As it turned out I ended up doing the race alone, which really only lasted about five minutes. I had people talking to me the second I got to the event. I met an inspiring volunteer and she really helped me to believe that the race is possible even if I had to power walk it.. And from there on the course I lost a shoe and had some amazing women help me put it back on. And then we were off racing, they adopted me the minute they found out I was out there alone. All in all, life is about choosing our challenges and then making sure we celebrate the victories!! No matter how small because there are so many who would love to simply face our challenges instead of their own..

Below in the photo collage; is listed as follows and to reiterate the importance of connecting with people. Because the only reason I have any photos from race day is that I met an amazing volunteer name Tracy Henry.. She was awesome!! And a fabulous photographer of my only race images.. I couldn't find any photos of me on the Tough Mudder website. I am and will always be eternally grateful for her willingness to stick around and photo my finish!! Thank you Tracy! Also included in my collage is the tokens I carried with me from all the supporters I had back home.. Thank you all, I am truly blessed!! 

Photos in order; My "Mudder Roar;" The gang that got me through L-R Twinkle, Joe, Toni, me and Richard (Twinkles husband and son). Next is the list of tokens; again L-R the red jiggle bell is from a friend, it's to "believe," the silver ring is part of a friends wedding band, its got tiny diamonds to represent the river(water ever flowing). The rectangular stone says, "You are loved" it's from my sister-in-law, she's always loved me for me! Next to that is a pedant from my biggest cheerleader a friend I've only recently gotten to know through training. It says, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us." Next to that is a purple stone its amethyst it's my Mothers birthstone.. Next is a green heart shaped stone which is jade, it's from my twin sister, it represents self reliance. Next is a blue stone it's a calming stone and it's from my older and dearest friend here in Idaho. And last but not least is a skeleton key, for me from me… To remind me that life isn't about what we have or what we do, it's about who we are in our bones.. And bottom right photo is my after race glow!!

What a huge blessing it is to be able to express my experience and how this race helped me find my voice and has helped me to believe that healing isn't a location and that life is never finished. The end is truly, just the beginning in disguise.. Something I think we all could use, it's just under all that we think is holding us back.. Nothing was ever holding me back except me…

Many blessings and All Love 

 

Growth and Choices

There is a seed growing deep inside of me.. Right now it's pushed so deep I can literally feel it.. It's wedged up against my pelvis.. For some time now it has been spinning and spinning, over the last few days it has stopped… And now its suddenly burst open, I feel the light coming from the seed. It's change and charge is painful… A new plant is now twisting and climbing and wrapping all along my organs and bones, it's pushing itself deeper into my chest.. It's waiting for me to allow it to stay and it wants to keep growing.. bigger.. It wants to be a new plant, a new bloom, a new and completely different flower.. With new colors and a new shape.. I don't know is all I can say.. And yet, its heat keeps rising,, Will I let it bloom? Should I? It's too late I think, it already has a desire all it's own.. It's waiting for me, all I need to do is open my mouth and say "YES!"… Will I say it, will I have the courage? After all it's my seed...

Fairness, the conversation that started it all...

It was a cold day back in March, when a client and I started chatting about family and how we tend to take on some of our Mothers traits..

For example how we load the dishwasher or fold the laundry and how sometimes we take that to the extreme as if there could be no other way, to do either of those things.. Which of course brought me to my moment of clarity, fairness is a feeling.. And if we chose, life can in fact feel fair, we may never be equal to someone but we can always find a way, so that all involved can feel that they have been treated fairly.. I don't think the fight for equality is something that we can actually achieve.. Everyone has their own interests, desires and strengths, so how could any of of us think it's possible to be equal.. Until we are all the "same" we will never have equality.. We can however achieve a feeling of being treated fairly, and still honor each other's interests and strength, so that all involved feel good.. And then, in that way, everybody wins!!

So this was the conversation that started it all. My hope for this blog, is that, I'll have an outlet for all the weird and interesting and deep conversations that come from my massage practice.. In addition to giving me an opportunity to continue with writing prayers and making myself feel more complete! Feel free to post any questions, I'll check and answer as often as I can, so keep checking in.. Lot's to come!!