It's time.. It's time we listen, it's time I listen… to my own advice, my previous post on self care, was for the most part, accurate and also total sh*t!! So let's really talk about self care, it isn't easy, it isn't always simple but it also isn't always hard either.
Let me tell you a story, some of you will know this and some of you don't.. As a young child I was sexually abuse by an older sibling and the first time that abuse happened was at a neighbors house when I lived in St Louis MO. It happened over the 4th of July and since then I have been working on healing all of me. What I have come to realize is that as much as I LOVE celebrating the 4th. I am also always a little emotionally triggered. So today I had an experience that has really shown me how much work I have done for myself! Which I believe is REAL self care! Real self care happens in the moment we do everything we can to make our self SAFE, real self care happens when we BE who we are with the people who love us, even when it's hard and probably especially when it's hard.. It happens the moment we don't get angry, it happens the moment we say how we actually feel, vulnerable and afraid.. We say what we mean not to hurt someone else but to help them understand the absolute truth!
Tonight I went to dinner with my mother and my younger sister, my Mom somehow always brings up my eldest brother (the black sheep, the abuser, the schizophrenic crazy person, whom none of us talk too or talk about). Why she does this, I truly don't know.. Mind you I love my mother dearly, but sometimes UGH!!! Is all I can say.. Anyway, over the course of the evening we were once again reminiscing about our childhood and who lived where when. My Mom, God love her, she brings up our eldest, and my younger sister was just NOT having any of that. And said so rather loudly, the reason I'm telling you this story is to help remind us all, and myself that love actually does always win. Mind you the conversation was a little heated and yes tears were shed, yes by me, but I also got to stand up for all of us to my mother when I calmly told her that, we, as the females, in the family do not like it when she mentions him, simply because it makes us all feel unworthy.. It was a powerful moment in my personal history, I was terrified to say it but I really think she doesn't know how it feels to have her remember him in this amazing fake light. I'm sorry he was not good and probably had all of his own worthiness issues. But, sometimes it's important to remember and honor your audience. He has never admitted any abuse physically or sexually. Which means it's really hard to forgive and forget, when that person doesn't attempt to make amends.. How my mother doesn't understand this I do not know..
My mother somehow can recall ever insignificant detail about him and his story and she can't remember anything about most of us, literally nothing.. Her comment is always I don't remember that, I'm so sorry but that is always the most painful answer to hear as a child from your parent. How can a woman whom has had ten children recall everything about the oldest "bad" child and none, ZERO, about the rest of us "good" children. Oh my gosh it is so so frustrating.. UGH!! I can't tell you how much love I have for this woman and her own suffering, she must have felt something at some time but that time was so long ago, she's had to shut down her emotions otherwise how would she ever gotten through it. It must have been so painful to watch the man she absolutely loved, my father, leave her and never look back. I am a few years older now than she was when her divorce was final. I know, now, how it feels to struggle with being alone and wondering if it all was worth it.. I can't imagine having ten children to look after, I really do struggle looking after myself. In closing, I just got off the phone with an amazing friend, who took the opportunity to remind me that I was able to honor my Mother tonight with my compassion, which is something most of us don't do. Which felt really good to hear. Thank you my dear friend, I love you and really miss you, I can't wait for our summer adventures to begin. If we all could, just for a moment, remember that all of us need love and tenderness and that, that is a practice and not something that happens quickly. That we must in the light of all that we hold dear about ourselves practice kindness and true loving tenderness.. The world would truly be a much better place..
Thank you darlings, have a fabulous Father's Day weekend.. With or without a father in your life. life is still pretty dang good!! And that my darlings is REAL SELF CARE….
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